It's hard to believe Penni has been gone almost 2 years now. It seems like yesterday we moved to the Hersrud property to live and "get back on our feet" after losing our house in foreclosure. It wasn't but a few weeks after we had moved in that Penni had started to feel really ill. It wasn't but a few weeks after that that she had been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, it was actually very near my birthday that she was hospitalized and tests began to be run to narrow down here symptoms. Then the blow of finding out she had Leukemia. We were in disbelief. How and why always run through the mind when news like this appears, really out of nowhere, it seemed. It was only nine months later that an infection took her life. Her kidneys began to fail then her liver or the other way around, it's hard to remember the details. They truly did try all they could to save her life. Her precious life.
I am at a point in my grief that I am learning to live life without her. Learning to get used to the idea of her not being at birthday parties, around for mothers day, Christmas (her favorite time of year), Thanksgiving, and all the other holidays that you are used to celebrating with her joy and laughter being a part of. It's hard to move forward and to realize that there are no new memories being made. We only have the memories of the past to hold onto. This is hard for me to handle when it comes to our children. Penni was there for the birth of Hannah but has never been to a birthday party for her. I really missed her this year when Hannah turned two. I could hear her squeals of joy watching the kids playing and enjoying themselves.
I know she is around and watching all of us from heaven, it is not the same as her being here. It never will be and I am learning to live with this feeling and learning to know that it's alright to have these feelings. Life must go on. It is. It is hard and always will be. You never truly get used to her not being here, you just learn to live with her not here. Everyday brings its new struggles and triumphs. Some days just getting through a day without crying is a triumph in itself. Today, is not one of those days.
When we celebrated Jeff's birthday this year we bought a few balloons and Sydney suggested we send a balloon to heaven so she could celebrate with us. Sydney knew her such a short amount of time, yet talks of her so frequent that you'd think she'd been a part of her life for a very long time. I wish she could have decades of more time with her grandmother, Penni. I know Sydney and her would have so much in common as Sydney grows.
As my due date gets closer my longing for her seems to deepen. Imagining her not even holding this baby is unbearable at times. To see the joy on her face when she meets this little being for the first time. Her words of encouragement that only she could say to help me make it through just one more day, one more hour of motherhood.
She was a stay at home mom and was always able to relate to what I was going through. Jeff works out of town at least once a month and I wish she were here to give me some advice or to just remind me that this to shall pass and that I am strong enough to get through these times.
I miss her. I know she'd get such a kick out of Hannah. I wish she were here to tell me how much alike the girls are to their dad. I miss her stories. I miss her laugh. I miss our long bonding talks. I miss our disagreements. I miss her.
Sarah
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